The Catalogue of the Craptacular

Way back in the '80s, before the Internet and Foxtel's home shopping channel, there was a company called Demtel offering an array of craptacular products Australians couldn't possibly have any use for- usually with the inducement of a complementary set of steak knives.

Demtel's ads graced all three commercial television stations touting products which usually ended in 2000 (eg the Abmaster 2000) as if to denote the product was from the future, but had been sent back in time for us to enjoy by kind future generations. At the very least, it made us feel how lucky we were to be living in the"space age" (yes we were still using that phrase then too).

It's been a while since Demtel graced our screens in Australia, but it is comforting to know that a Japanese version exists and, by the looks of it, is thriving.

Much like how apparently there is "someone for everyone", Japan's considerable population has meant there is literally "someone for every product" - no matter how ill conceived, absurd and even potentially detrimental to your health that product may be.

From ladies' wear to household products, the latest collection was proudly displayed in a magazine in the seat pocket of the bullet train I caught today.

The Catalogue of the Craptacular

Not only did this help to pass the time,  but I also believed it increased my brainpower as I tried to work out a) what the product was and its purpose based on the images alone, and b) who on earth would buy this?

Allow me to demonstrate:

Regrowth makeup:  Your friends may think you're younger but they probably won't let you wear their white hats ever again. 

Torture device or ear wax vacuum? At least he seems to be enjoying it... and may never hear again.

WTF???  I honestly don't know what this is.  Something for workers in the porn industry? 

Table blanket: because tables have feelings too.

Not sure about this one either.  Something to do with breathing?  Not sure how the tuning fork fits in.

Ice and snow spikes for heels:  Yes, that's the most obvious solution to wearing heels in ice and snow.

Bird deterrent: I understand the problem, but I just have an issue with the words "bird killer" on the device itself.  Dead birds also look bad on clean sheets.

Warm space suit: Also works as a contraceptive device, friend deterrent, and marriage killer.

The portable bidet: Why swipe when you can carry a syringe of water around with you?

You Jokster-san, that's not your real hair!  They'll be laughing about this down at your golf club for literally tens of seconds.

Toilet seat rugs: now why didn't we think of that?  Oh, that's right, because we don't like sitting on urine-soaked mats.

Madonna headset: I'm guessing Vogue is still big here.

Hot water boots!  Actually, now you're talking. 

And a big congratulations to the inventors of these products.   They must be so proud.   No I mean it really.  I guess everyone can't be working on a cure for cancer!