Saturday, 10 May 2014

Words to live by

You'd be a poor, naive fool to think Eurovision was just about glitter, wind machines and a catchy tune.

Delve a little deeper and you're presented with a treasure trove of wise words.

Forget shelling out for a fancy psychologist, buying a self-help book, or watching Oprah or Dr Phil, if you really want to get to the heart of the human condition, look no further than the lyrics of this year's Eurovision songs.

Here's 13 of this year's Eurovision words to live by:

Problem 1:  Self doubt?
Solution according to One Night's Anger by Albania (watch out for those "tickles"):

Free your mind from the doubts that are tickling
Free your heart, and let the peace enlighten your feelings

Problem 2: Don't know who you are?
Solution according to Cheesecake by Belarus (which really puts you in your place):

Once I gave you one more chance
You showed me dance
But I'm not Patrick Swayze
You're not Jennifer Gray


Problem 3:  Everything?
Solution according to Cliche Love Song by Denmark (remarkably specific):

It feels like
skuba duba dabda dididaj
skuba duba dabda dididaj

Problem 4:  Missing something?
Solution according to Moustache by France (it's all about grooming):

I have everything I could ever dream of
It's true, maybe I do have it all
But I wanna moustache

Problem 5:  Breaking up?
Solution according to Same Heart by Israel (which sounds violent):

I'm skinning you out,
No longer a part,
We don't beat from the same heart

Problem 6:  Being judged?
Solution according to No Prejudice by Iceland (with a bit of maths and biology on the side):

I may stutter when I speak
(but) you don't need to call me freak
It's not trigonometry
inside we're all the same

Problem 7:  Searching for the meaning of life?
Solution according to Wild Soul by Moldova (so deep it hurts / just never sleep):

What am I?
Am I human?
What am I?
An emotion?
Time and space can lie to us when we sleep

Problem 8:  Confused?
Solution according to Maybe by San Marino (I cry: "Witchcraft!")

Maybe there's a pearl in the shell
Maybe there's a story to tell
Maybe we cannot live in peace cos we're under a spell

Problem 9:  Want to win Masterchef?
Solution by Cake to Bake by Latvia (is there anything that can't be solved by food?):
Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it


Problem 10:  Melancholy?
Solution according to Undo by Sweden (might need a computer keyboard for this):

Undo my sad
Undo what hurts so bad

Problem 11:  Unrequited love?
Solution according to Tick Tock by Ukraine (sounds kinky in a mechanical way):

Tick-tock, can you hear me go tick tock
My heart is like a clock, I'm steady like a rock
Shhh don't stop, kiss and kiss me til I drop
My heart is like a clock, you wind it with your love


Problem 12:  Unpleasant smell?
Solution according to Children of the Universe by the UK ("passive violence" is the worst):

Something's stirring in the silence (hey, hey)
And it reeks of passive violence (oh)

Problem 13:  Hungry?
Solution according to Hunter of Stars by Switzerland (ohhh those evil satellites):

Like an evil satellite, twisting the truth then leaving us along
In this mad and moody world, society without love
I state my heart has been well trained, I'm gonna be your candidate
I am the hunter you are the prey, tonight I'm gonna eat you up

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